The Hardest Work of Love (And Why It Matters Most)

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Artwork by Viniflora

We often think of February as a dreary month, sandwiched between the long nights of winter and the not yet energizing warm days of spring. Someone wisely assigned it only 28 days rather than the usual 30 or 31! 

Yet, smack in the middle of the month is a beautiful day set aside to celebrate a concept that is not easily defined … Love. Valentine’s Day is when we are given permission to freely express our love for another. 

Love is quite a difficult word to define. There are so many permutations of the concept–romantic love, familial love, love of country, love of a thought, love of self. Each of these variations of love has a unifying concept: They all require work.

Love of self and others means constantly trying to increase our capacity to meet life with openness.

Erich Fromm, a German psychologist born in 1900, writes that love is ultimately not a feeling “…but a commitment to and adherence to, loving actions toward another, oneself, or many others over a sustained duration1.” He further says that in “its early stages (love) might appear as an involuntary feeling, but with time, no longer depends on those feelings, but rather depends only on conscious commitment.” 

The love that seems to require the most work–now and as has always been–is love for those who are most unlike ourselves. Love is built on compassion. It is relatively easy to feel compassion toward someone less fortunate than ourselves. Now think about how hard it is to be compassionate toward someone who we perceive to be a threat to our thoughts or ideology. Someone who makes your blood boil. 

The work of love is hard and tiresome. The work requires acts of sacrifice as well as acts of self-love. The work requires temporarily putting aside our own desires to understand the needs and desires of another. This requires listening fully to one another. Fully, not just the words that resonate, that are easy to hear, but the words that we might disagree with, that cause us to bristle, that makes us want to argue or, alternatively, to shut down and walk away. 

Love is built on compassion. Compassion is enhanced by communication. Good communication breeds love. Healthy communication requires freeing your mind of preconceived notions and opening our ears to the words of another. The work of love lies in creating an environment in which both parties feel safe to express their own thoughts. Good communication and compromise is not based on acquiescing one’s own ideas to appease the other, but it does require respectfully listening to the other in order to hopefully find ways to resolve any conflicting ideas. 

Love of self and others means constantly trying to increase our capacity to meet life with openness. If we are all working individually on this path, there is a chance that there might be a ripple effect, leading to a more resilient, compassionate ecosystem in which we can all feel loved.

In the true spirit of Valentine’s Day, a day filled with love, candy, and flowers, I offer these thoughts to you in the following poem.

Jalaluddin Rumi is a Persian poet, Islamic scholar and Sufi mystic born in the 13th century. His works have withstood the test of time and speak of challenges facing humanity that are as old as time itself.

1 Fromm, E. (1956). The Art of Loving. New York, Harper Colophon Books.


The Guest House
by Jalaluddln Rumi

Translated by Coleman Barks

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even If they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

Rumi, J. (2004). The guest house. In C. Barks with J. Moynce, A. J. Arberry, & R. Nicholson (Trans.). Rumi: Selected poems. Penguin Books. (Original work published ca. 1262)

Dr. Anne Hayes is a Child and Adolescent Psychiatrist in private practice in Bethesda, MD. Dr. Hayes completed medical school, residency, and fellowship training at Georgetown University. She worked in the Community Mental Health setting for many years before transitioning to a full-time private practice. Her hope is to bring the Resilience Builder Program into the juvenile justice system in some capacity in the future.

Understanding and Honoring Grief this Holiday Season

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As another year draws to a close, you may find yourself in a reflective mood. This process of looking backward and forward can be particularly painful if you are grieving. These past two years have brought unprecedented loss. Loss of the lives of people we love, loss of income, loss of opportunity, loss of social contact. Grief is the emotional and psychological reaction to loss. It is accompanied by feelings of sadness and a longing to see, talk to or simply be with who we’ve lost once again. While the grief process can seem unbearable, it is possible to lighten the burden.

There is no right way to grieve

The process of grieving is individual—there is no road map showing you the “correct” path. The pain of longing can feel insufferable and the desire to have some relief is overwhelming. However, you can’t hurry the process. There are no shortcuts. Do not critique your process, do not judge your feelings. Whatever you are experiencing during this time is true. Avoid the temptation to compare how you are “doing” with how others seem to be managing. Grant yourself the permission to feel the profound sadness of loss and resist the temptation to restrict it.

Feelings are often irrational

You may notice that you can become overwhelmed with feelings that come out of the blue and make no sense. Emotions are not rational. Guilt and regret are two emotions that can be especially difficult to manage. You may find yourself ruminating about events that you wish you had done differently. Guilt and regret will make you say things like “I should have done more” or “Why did I say (or not say) that?” To extract yourself from this regret loop, change the “I should have” to “I wish.” Statements that include “should have” come with shame whereas wish statements reflect the humble fact that we cannot control the past. Guilt and regret arise when we focus on the things that did not go in the direction that we wanted. It is important to acknowledge these memories, but know that they are a small part of the more complete picture that captures the more loving aspects of your relationship.

Making a new relationship with the one who has died

If what you are grieving is the loss of a loved one, know that even though their body has departed, you can continue the relationship in a new form. Just as there is no right way to grieve, there is no right way for the relationship to continue. Remain open and know that it is possible. In my own life, after my mother died, I continued to be in contact with a dear friend of hers. In our conversations, we shared stories about my mother, revealing attributes about her that were unknown to the other. Knowing my mother more fully has allowed my relationship with her to strengthen in a new and beautiful way.

Offering support

Many people worry about what to say to people who are grieving. Most experts agree that what you say is not as important as simply saying something. Many people who have suffered a loss want to talk about that person endlessly while others are uncomfortable talking. You can start with “Are you OK talking about him/her?” If the answer is yes, you can prompt with questions like: “What were they like?”  “What made you love them so much?” “What about them made you giggle, cry, feel proud?” Grief is a lonely process that can be easier to endure with support from others. Do not be afraid to offer that support.

Additional resources

For Children:

  • Cry, Heart, but Never Break: A Remarkable Illustrated Mediation on Loss and Life by Glenn Ringtved
  • The Invisible String by Patrice Karst
  • The Fall of Freddie the Leaf by Leo Buscaglia, PhD

For Teens:

  • Straight Talk about Death for Teenagers by Earl Grollman
  • Modern Loss: Candid Conversations about Grief by Rebecca Soffer and Gabrielle Birkner

For Adults

  • The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion
  • How to Go on Living When Someone You Love Dies by Therese Rando PhD
  • Bearing the Unbearable by Joanne Cacciatore, PhD

Dr. Anne Hayes is a certified Child and Adolescent Psychiatrist in private practice in Bethesda, MD. Dr. Hayes completed medical school, residency, and fellowship training at Georgetown University. She worked in the community mental health setting for many years before transitioning to a full-time private practice.