Validating Emotions: What It Is and Why It Is Important for Children
Credit: kegfire

Validating Emotions: What It Is and Why It Is Important for Children

by Lindsay Myerberg, Ph.D., Fellow, Resilience Across Borders Blog Post

If you’ve ever tried to calm a frustrated or overwhelmed child, you know how tempting it is to jump straight into problem-solving mode. You might offer reassurance or advice in hopes of helping them feel better quickly. But here’s the catch: if your child doesn’t feel understood, those words likely won’t land the way you want them to. That’s where validation comes in.

What is Validation?

Validation means letting your child know that it is okay for them to feel whatever they are feeling. It’s not about agreeing with their behavior or feeling the same emotion yourself. It’s about showing them you understand why they feel upset, even if you don’t fully relate to how they feel or approve of how they’re expressing it.

When kids feel truly seen and understood, they’re more likely to calm down and be open to support. Without validation, even the most thoughtful reassurance or problem-solving can feel dismissive or disconnected. Further, when you validate your child’s emotions, you relay the message that all feelings are okay. When we take time to pause and consider children’s emotions, we are teaching them to do the same – stop and notice the feeling without judgment. 

A Common Mistake: The “But”

We’ve all said it: “I get that you’re frustrated, but you have to do your homework.”

Even when it sounds caring, the word “but” can cancel out the validation that came before it. Try replacing “but” with “because:” “It makes sense that you’re feeling frustrated because you’d rather be doing something fun, because homework can feel boring or hard, and because it’s been a long day.”

Try pausing for a moment and asking yourself: Why does this feeling make sense? Think of at least three reasons. This simple shift can make a big difference.

What If I Don’t Know What My Child Is Feeling?

If your child is struggling to name their feelings, that’s okay. Start by strengthening your own emotional vocabulary. The more fluent you are with your own emotions, the better you’ll be at helping your child understand theirs.

One great tool is the How We Feel app: https://howwefeel.org/ It’s a free, kid- and adult-friendly tool to explore and label emotions. 

Bottom Line:

Validation isn’t about fixing a feeling. It’s about honoring it. When kids feel understood, they’re better able to regulate and move forward with your support.

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