How to Show Up Strong:  Modeling Resilience for Your Child
credit: kegfire

How to Show Up Strong:  Modeling Resilience for Your Child

by Beth Salcedo, MD, Founding Member Blog Post

As parents, we want to protect our kids from anything that might cause them pain.  We wish we could smooth out every bump in the road!  But the truth is we can’t, and honestly, we shouldn’t.  Life will bring challenges, big feelings, and tough times for our kids, and what matters is how they learn to handle them. 

The good news is that you don’t need to have all the answers to get it right!  What your child needs to see is how you navigate life’s challenges with flexibility, courage, and self- compassion.  They learn to be resilient by watching you.  Here are a few simple ways you can “show up strong” for your child and teach them how to bounce back when life gets hard.

Be Real About Struggles

Your child needs to know that it is okay to struggle.  You don’t have to pretend to have it all together.  Actually, it helps them when you don’t.  Try saying things like “I am feeling pretty overwhelmed right now, and that is okay. I am going to take a few deep breaths and figure out my next step.”  This shows your child that it is normal to have big feelings, and that we can handle them.

Think Out Loud

When something goes wrong, let your child hear you work through it instead of keeping your problem-solving in your head.  Talk it out!  You can say something like “Hmm, this didn’t go as planned.  I wonder what else I can try?”  This shows your child that mistakes happen, obstacles get in the way, and that is part of learning and growing: We navigate through life and figure things out.  An obstacle does not have to be a dead end.

Be Kind To Yourself (Also Out Loud!)

If your child only hears you being hard on yourself, that is the voice they will learn to use with themselves. Instead, model self-compassion.  You can say something like “I am disappointed in how this turned out, but I learned a lot from the experience, and I will try again!”  When you speak to yourself with kindness, you teach your child to do the same.

Praise the Process, Not Just the Outcome

We don’t build resilience by only celebrating wins.  We build it by noticing effort.  Point out such important steps as trying again after something is hard, asking for help, and staying calm even when frustrated.  Share with your child that you are happy with how you handled things. When you cheer for the process, you are teaching your child that it’s about growing, not getting it perfect.

Tell Your Stories

Share age-appropriate stories about times you have struggled and made mistakes but worked through something hard. Let your child know you have had tough moments and figured out how to get through them.  This makes it safe for them to talk to you about their hard moments, too.

Show That Getting Help is Brave

Resilience is not about toughing it out alone.  Show your child that asking for help is the smart choice and a sign of strength.  Let them see you lean on friends and family as well as professionals when you need to.  You are teaching them that we don’t have to carry hard burdens by ourselves. 

The bottom line is that your child does not need you to be perfect.  They need you to be real.  Every time you name your feelings, try again, speak kindly to yourself, and reach out for help, you are modeling resilience.  You are showing them how to get back up when life knocks you down.  That is how we raise strong, flexible kids.  We don’t shield them from hard things, we show them how to face them — and that they have what they need to do it.

Validating Emotions: What It Is and Why It Is Important for Children
Credit: kegfire

Validating Emotions: What It Is and Why It Is Important for Children

by Lindsay Myerberg, Ph.D., Fellow, Resilience Across Borders Blog Post

If you’ve ever tried to calm a frustrated or overwhelmed child, you know how tempting it is to jump straight into problem-solving mode. You might offer reassurance or advice in hopes of helping them feel better quickly. But here’s the catch: if your child doesn’t feel understood, those words likely won’t land the way you want them to. That’s where validation comes in.

What is Validation?

Validation means letting your child know that it is okay for them to feel whatever they are feeling. It’s not about agreeing with their behavior or feeling the same emotion yourself. It’s about showing them you understand why they feel upset, even if you don’t fully relate to how they feel or approve of how they’re expressing it.

When kids feel truly seen and understood, they’re more likely to calm down and be open to support. Without validation, even the most thoughtful reassurance or problem-solving can feel dismissive or disconnected. Further, when you validate your child’s emotions, you relay the message that all feelings are okay. When we take time to pause and consider children’s emotions, we are teaching them to do the same – stop and notice the feeling without judgment. 

A Common Mistake: The “But”

We’ve all said it: “I get that you’re frustrated, but you have to do your homework.”

Even when it sounds caring, the word “but” can cancel out the validation that came before it. Try replacing “but” with “because:” “It makes sense that you’re feeling frustrated because you’d rather be doing something fun, because homework can feel boring or hard, and because it’s been a long day.”

Try pausing for a moment and asking yourself: Why does this feeling make sense? Think of at least three reasons. This simple shift can make a big difference.

What If I Don’t Know What My Child Is Feeling?

If your child is struggling to name their feelings, that’s okay. Start by strengthening your own emotional vocabulary. The more fluent you are with your own emotions, the better you’ll be at helping your child understand theirs.

One great tool is the How We Feel app: https://howwefeel.org/ It’s a free, kid- and adult-friendly tool to explore and label emotions. 

Bottom Line:

Validation isn’t about fixing a feeling. It’s about honoring it. When kids feel understood, they’re better able to regulate and move forward with your support.

Additional Resources:

The Hardest Work of Love (And Why It Matters Most)

The Hardest Work of Love (And Why It Matters Most)

by Dr. Anne Hayes, Advisory Council member, Resilience Across Borders Blog Post
Artwork by Viniflora

We often think of February as a dreary month, sandwiched between the long nights of winter and the not yet energizing warm days of spring. Someone wisely assigned it only 28 days rather than the usual 30 or 31! 

Yet, smack in the middle of the month is a beautiful day set aside to celebrate a concept that is not easily defined … Love. Valentine’s Day is when we are given permission to freely express our love for another. 

Love is quite a difficult word to define. There are so many permutations of the concept–romantic love, familial love, love of country, love of a thought, love of self. Each of these variations of love has a unifying concept: They all require work.

“Love of self and others means constantly trying to increase our capacity to meet life with openness.“

Erich Fromm, a German psychologist born in 1900, writes that love is ultimately not a feeling “…but a commitment to and adherence to, loving actions toward another, oneself, or many others over a sustained duration1.” He further says that in “its early stages (love) might appear as an involuntary feeling, but with time, no longer depends on those feelings, but rather depends only on conscious commitment.” 

The love that seems to require the most work–now and as has always been–is love for those who are most unlike ourselves. Love is built on compassion. It is relatively easy to feel compassion toward someone less fortunate than ourselves. Now think about how hard it is to be compassionate toward someone who we perceive to be a threat to our thoughts or ideology. Someone who makes your blood boil. 

The work of love is hard and tiresome. The work requires acts of sacrifice as well as acts of self-love. The work requires temporarily putting aside our own desires to understand the needs and desires of another. This requires listening fully to one another. Fully, not just the words that resonate, that are easy to hear, but the words that we might disagree with, that cause us to bristle, that makes us want to argue or, alternatively, to shut down and walk away. 

Love is built on compassion. Compassion is enhanced by communication. Good communication breeds love. Healthy communication requires freeing your mind of preconceived notions and opening our ears to the words of another. The work of love lies in creating an environment in which both parties feel safe to express their own thoughts. Good communication and compromise is not based on acquiescing one’s own ideas to appease the other, but it does require respectfully listening to the other in order to hopefully find ways to resolve any conflicting ideas. 

Love of self and others means constantly trying to increase our capacity to meet life with openness. If we are all working individually on this path, there is a chance that there might be a ripple effect, leading to a more resilient, compassionate ecosystem in which we can all feel loved.

In the true spirit of Valentine’s Day, a day filled with love, candy, and flowers, I offer these thoughts to you in the following poem.

Jalaluddin Rumi is a Persian poet, Islamic scholar and Sufi mystic born in the 13th century. His works have withstood the test of time and speak of challenges facing humanity that are as old as time itself.

1 Fromm, E. (1956). The Art of Loving. New York, Harper Colophon Books.

The Guest House
by Jalaluddln Rumi 

Translated by Coleman Barks
 
This being human is a guest house. 
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness, 
some momentary awareness comes 
as an unexpected visitor. 

Welcome and entertain them all! 
Even If they're a crowd of sorrows, 
who violently sweep your house 
empty of its furniture, 
still, treat each guest honorably. 
He may be clearing you out 
for some new delight. 

The dark thought, the shame, the malice, 
meet them at the door laughing, 
and invite them in. 

Be grateful for whoever comes, 
because each has been sent 
as a guide from beyond. 

Rumi, J. (2004). The guest house. In C. Barks with J. Moynce, A. J. Arberry, & R. Nicholson (Trans.). Rumi: Selected poems. Penguin Books. (Original work published ca. 1262)
Dr. Anne Hayes, Advisory Council member, Resilience Across Borders

Dr. Anne Hayes is a Child and Adolescent Psychiatrist in private practice in Bethesda, MD. Dr. Hayes completed medical school, residency, and fellowship training at Georgetown University. She worked in the Community Mental Health setting for many years before transitioning to a full-time private practice. Her hope is to bring the Resilience Builder Program into the juvenile justice system in some capacity in the future.