Some of the conversation about student resilience assumes it is something students either possess or lack. I have observed students being encouraged to “toughen up,” push through, or be more resilient. In some cases, little attention is given to the conditions that actually make resilience possible.
Yet research and classroom practice tell a different story. Resilience develops through repeated experiences of support, manageable challenge, and reflection. It is cultivated, not commanded. Classrooms, when designed intentionally, can serve as powerful spaces where students learn how to regulate stress, take academic and emotional risks, recover from setbacks, and keep going.
As a classroom teacher, I was once reminded by a veteran educator, “We teach people, not English.” That statement has never left me. It reshaped how I understood my role—not as someone delivering content, but as someone responsible for both the learning and the well‑being of the students in front of me.
This perspective pushed me to ask daily, What kind of environment am I cultivating for students? As I support teachers in my work now, I coach and assist them in intentionally creating classrooms where regulation, connection, challenge, and recovery are practiced every day. In such classrooms, care is not an add‑on; it is the foundation that makes learning possible.
Below, I share concrete teacher practices that help build this foundation of resilience in the classroom.
Teaching Students to Regulate Their Nervous Systems
Helping students build resilience begins with helping them notice and regulate their internal states. Simple, low-key mindfulness practices—such as pausing for a few slow breaths or grounding attention in the present moment—can support students’ focus and self-regulation without requiring specialized programs or spiritual language (Avila & Maida, 2025).
For example, a voluntary beginning-of-class practice, like the five-breath reset can be used in classrooms. Research on attention supports this approach. Studies summarized by Terada and Merrill (2025) suggest that short, informal breaks every 10–15 minutes significantly improve student focus and performance. These pauses normalize mental fatigue and teach students that staying engaged does not mean pushing endlessly, it means knowing when and how to reset.
Building Resilience Through Relationships and Belonging
Resilience also grows in relationships. Studies highlighted by Terada and Merrill (2025) confirm that the combination of high expectations and trusting teacher–student relationships is a powerful driver of both academic and behavioral success. When students feel known and valued, they are more willing to take risks, persist through difficulty, and recover from mistakes.
Students who feel a sense of belonging within a school community are more successful academically and emotionally. Belonging creates the psychological safety students need to stretch themselves and remain engaged when learning feels hard.
Teaching Students How to Talk to Themselves
Another critical component of resilience is how students interpret their experiences. Helping students build healthy self-talk—especially in moments of challenge—can shape how they respond to stress and failure. Therapists interviewed by Haupt (2025) emphasize messages such as “Just because you have a thought doesn’t make it true” and “Asking for help is a kind of bravery.”
One classroom practice to support this is normalizing mistakes, emphasizing effort over performance, and explicitly model help-seeking. When teachers cultivate this type of classroom students begin to internalize more flexible and compassionate narratives about themselves, and these narratives can support resilience over time
Designing Low-Pressure Opportunities to Practice Courage
For students with social anxiety, resilience develops when teachers provide structured, predictable opportunities to speak and participate. Beachboard (2025) shows how scaffolding discussions—through sentence starters, role assignments, and gradual participation—reduces fear of judgment while building confidence.
Resilience as a Classroom Practice
In an era of increasing academic, social, and digital pressures (O’Donnell, 2025), resilience is not an optional add-on for students—it is a developmental necessity. Teachers have the power to help build resilience by designing classrooms where students regularly practice regulation, connection, challenge, and recovery. This is what it means to teach people, not just subject matter. Long after they forget specific assignments they will remember a more powerful lesson: you can feel discomfort, receive support, and still move forward.
References
Avila, M., & Maida, D. (2025). Mindfulness Mondays and beyond. ASCA School Counselor, 63(2), 34–37.
Beachboard, C. (2025, March 14). 5 research-backed strategies to reduce students’ social anxiety. Edutopia.
Garcia, A. G. (2025). What I learned as a student with anxiety. Communiqué, 54(3), 6.
Haupt, A. (2025, November 10). 5 things therapists wish every kid knew. Time.
Jordan, A., & Lovett, B. (2025, October 14). Schools are accommodating student anxiety—and making it worse. The Boston Globe.
O’Donnell, E. (2025). Teen grind culture. Harvard Magazine, 127(4), 8–10.
Terada, Y., & Merrill, S. (2025). This year’s most important educational research findings. Edutopia.
I entered the teaching profession in my early twenties with a commitment to improving educational outcomes for students in my community and spent more than twenty years serving in schools identified as low‑income. As a novice teacher, I was overwhelmed not only by gaps in my preparation, but by the unexpected emotional labor, the daily realities of the classroom, and the hundreds of exhausting decisions required of me each day. My personal experience is why Dr. Jill Biden’s reminder that “teaching is hard work—and heart work” resonates so deeply, and why I believe conversations about teacher burnout must begin with an honest discussion of the emotional demands of the job and the resilience it requires.
According to an analysis by Education Resource Strategies (ERStrategies), teacher turnover has increased across all experience levels, with early‑career educators leaving at the highest rates. Although teacher turnover is frequently attributed to factors such as compensation, leadership, and evaluation policies, research increasingly points to burnout as one of the primary forces pushing educators out of schools. If burnout is deeply tied to the emotional labor of teaching, the question is not whether teachers are “resilient enough,” but what structures, practices, and mindsets help cultivate resilience so educators can remain in the profession without sacrificing their well‑being.
What Resilience Looks Like in Real Classrooms
Name the emotional labor and respond before it spirals.
Jennifer Gonzalez’s (2018) reflection in Cult of Pedagogy offers concrete, classroom‑tested strategies for navigating emotional spikes. Rather than treating emotional moments as failure, she emphasizes awareness, cognitive reframing, curiosity, and intentional regulation as professional skills. Resilience here isn’t about suppressing emotion; it’s about pausing, interpreting situations differently, repairing when needed, and responding with care—for both students and teachers. Gonzalez offers some suggestions for teachers:
Notice early triggers (racing thoughts, rising frustration) and build brief pause points—slow breathing, a counted reset, or a moment of stillness—to de-escalate before reacting.
Separate identity from behavior. Replace “They don’t respect me” with “This strategy isn’t working”; move from judgment to problem‑solving.
Adopt an observer stance (What would a coach notice?) and lead with curiosity (What might this student need right now?), which lowers threat and restores agency.
Repair with boundaries. Name what happened, model accountability, and move forward. This reduces lingering shame and strengthens relationships.
Asking for Help Is a Professional Skill
In Harvard Business Review, Manfred Kets de Vries (2023) reminds us that while self‑reliance is admired, it can backfire when we’re working beyond individual capacity. For teachers, fears of seeming incompetent, burdening colleagues, or losing control often keep us silent just when we need support most. Manfred Kets de Vries suggests that we:
Reframe help‑seeking as competence and trust, not weakness.
Name the inner scripts (imposter syndrome, fear of rejection) that keep you isolated.
Make SMART, specific requests aligned to a colleague’s expertise (e.g., “Could you observe Tuesday’s discussion and give feedback on student talk moves?”).
Practice asking in small steps; let positive experiences reinforce the habit.
If teaching is heart work, resilience depends not only on how much heart teachers give, but on whether they have permission, and practice, to receive support in return.
School‑Level Moves That Make Resilience Possible
Research by Kwok and Macfarlane (2025) underscores that resilience grows when schools provide intentional, day‑to‑day supports, not just generic encouragement. Some examples include:
Targeted professional development tied to real challenges (classroom management, discourse, lesson design, technology, curriculum, pedagogy).
Structured peer collaboration: common planning time, observation/feedback cycles, and access to external networks for “singletons.”
Active administrative support: clear goals, regular communication, appreciative and actionable feedback, backup with student behavior and family communication, and thoughtful coaching supervision.
Right‑sizing novice workload: adjust class size, preps, schedules, and paraprofessional support; build time to observe expert colleagues.
These aren’t luxuries; they’re conditions for learning the job. They also make the hard work and heart work sustainable.
Sustaining the Heart Work
Teaching will always be hard work—cognitively demanding, logistically complex, and relentlessly relational. It is also heart work, asking us to care deeply, to repair when we miss the mark, and to keep believing in what students can do. Resilience, then, is not what teachers need after the work, it is what allows the work to continue. When we acknowledge this fully, resilience stops being a quiet expectation placed on individual teachers and becomes a shared responsibility—one that schools, leaders, and policies must actively support.
References
Doughty, M. (2024). Making sense of teacher turnover: A mixed-methods exploration of why teachers leave. Teachers College Record, 126(8), 32–62.
Gonzalez, J. (2024, March 17). Some thoughts on teachers crying in the classroom. Cult of Pedagogy.
Gonzalez, J., & Aguilar, E. (2018, May 6). 12 ways teachers can build their own resilience. Cult of Pedagogy.
Kets de Vries, M. F. R. (2023). Why it’s so hard to ask for help. Harvard Business Review, 101(4), 139–143.
Kwok, A., & Macfarlane, K. O. (2025, February). Strengthening early-career teachers: Effective components of teacher induction programs (EdResearch for Action Brief No. 32).
Mielke, C. (2022). Educator well-being 2.0. Educational Leadership, 79(9).
Tummy troubles in children are more common than many realize, especially when it comes to gastrointestinal conditions that aren’t linked to a clear medical cause. Disorders of Gut-Brain Interaction (DGBIs)—such as irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), functional abdominal pain, and functional dyspepsia—are among the most frequent causes of chronic abdominal symptoms in kids (Nurko, n.d.). Other GI conditions like food intolerances, allergies, and inflammatory bowel diseases (IBD) add further complexity to a child’s daily life (Crohn’s & Colitis Foundation, n.d.).
However, these challenges extend beyond physical health. Many children with GI difficulties struggle with anxiety, isolation, and disruptions to school and social activities (Donovan et al., 2019; Harvard Health Publishing, 2023). Because of the gut-brain connection, stress can worsen GI symptoms, creating a frustrating cycle (Harvard Health Publishing, 2023).
For children and their caregivers, navigating unpredictable symptoms in public and peer settings can feel overwhelming, but with the right supports, kids can thrive.
The Social Toll of GI Conditions
Children with GI difficulties may face unique hardships that make social interactions more complicated. The fear of urgently needing a bathroom or experiencing an embarrassing accident can lead to avoidance of activities like recess, playdates, and even classroom participation (Nightingale & Talley, 2013).Food-related restrictions and sensitivities add another layer of stress, especially during lunchtime or social events (Del Principe, 2024).
The emotional toll can be heavy. Kids may feel “different,” struggle with self-esteem, or worry about being seen as dramatic or unreliable by peers. Anxiety about attending school or social events is common (Al-Beltagi et al., 2025; Food Allergy Research & Education [FARE], 2025). For some, this can evolve into chronic absenteeism or school refusal (UVA Health Newsroom, 2025).
Thriving at School: Recess, Lunch, & Beyond
School can be a challenging environment for children with GI issues, but it can also be a source of structure and support. Collaborating with school nurses, teachers, psychologists, and counselors helps ensure that children are not only safe but also feel seen and understood.
Many schools offer informal support structures such as school-based intervention teams, which create plans tailored to a student’s unique health and learning needs. Empowering kids with simple ways to request help, such as a hand signal or special bathroom pass, can give them agency and reduce anxiety.
Lunch and recess require planning, especially when energy levels fluctuate or food sensitivities are involved. Talking with teachers in advance about alternate snack options or seating arrangements can help the child feel more at ease (Center for Pediatric Gastroenterology and Nutrition, n.d.).
Social Events Outside of School: Parties, Sleepovers, Playdates
Unstructured social time—like birthday parties or sleepovers—can be especially tricky. Parents may worry about “hovering” or being overprotective, while kids may feel left out or overwhelmed. Balancing independence and support is key.
Planning ahead makes a difference. Caregivers can pack safe foods, coordinate bathroom access, and talk with hosts to ensure accommodations are in place (Crohn’s & Colitis Foundation, n.d.; Del Principe, 2024). Role-playing with children about what to do and say if they feel unwell or uncomfortable gives them tools to manage situations calmly.
Sometimes, it’s okay to set boundaries, like attending only part of an event. The overall goal is to encourage participation without unnecessary pressures.
Building Confidence
True confidence isn’t about avoiding challenges—it’s built through having the tools to navigate them. Teaching kids how to clearly express their needs, respond to questions from peers, and advocate for themselves lays the foundation for long-term resilience (Hommel et al., 2010).
Help children understand that they don’t need to feel perfect to enjoy meaningful time with others. Gently guide them to notice their strengths—like creativity, kindness, or a great sense of humor—and encourage social connections that feel safe, enjoyable, and authentic to who they are.
When to Seek More Support
It’s essential to stay attuned to signs that a child may benefit from additional support. If they start refusing school, avoiding social activities, or showing increased anxiety about sports or classroom presentations, a more formal plan may be needed (McDougall et al., 2019; UVA Health, 2025).
As noted earlier, many schools have support systems in place, like Student Support Teams (SST), that work to identify students’ needs and connect them with tailored interventions. These teams develop plans that help address a wide range of concerns, including learning difficulties, poor attendance, behavioral or social-emotional challenges, and health issues (Charles County Public Schools, n.d.). Because school support teams are part of a school’s general education support system, the interventions they recommend are usually informal, flexible, and meant to be short-term responses to help students get back on track.
A 504 Plan is a more formal document that outlines the specific supports and accommodations a school will provide to help a student with a documented disability or condition (e.g., IBS) access learning and participate in the general education setting (Rawe, 2024). These accommodations may include extra bathroom breaks, food and beverage flexibility, or access to a private space to rest when needed.
Outside of school, working with a gut-brain specialist in psychotherapy can help children better understand and manage their symptoms. These clinicians bridge the connection between physical and emotional health, using tools like clinical hypnosis and condition-specific cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) to ease discomfort and build confidence (Brady et al., 2020; Stein et al., 2025).
How GI Therapists Can Help
Having a GI condition doesn’t have to mean missing out. With preparation, partnership, and encouragement, children can participate fully in social and academic life.
A GI condition doesn’t have to hold a child back. With thoughtful preparation, strong partnerships, and consistent encouragement, children can stay engaged and thrive both socially and academically.
Gut-brain therapists partner with families to interrupt the cycle between stress and physical symptoms, helping children feel more in control and supported. work with families to break the cycle of stress and symptoms. By understanding the child’s experiences and creating personalized strategies, they help families shift from survival mode to empowered living (Bourdeau, 2013; Stein et al., 2025).
Recognize small victories, celebrate each step forward, and keep advocating. Your support has the power to create meaningful change.
References
Al-Beltagi, M., Saeed, N. K., Bediwy, A. S., & Elbeltagi, R. (2025). Breaking the cycle: Psychological and social dimensions of pediatric functional gastrointestinal disorders. World Journal of Clinical Pediatrics, 14(2). https://doi.org/10.5409/wjcp.v14.i2.103323
Brady, P. W., Giambra, B. K., Sherman, S. N., Clohessy, C., Loechtenfeldt, A. M., Walsh, K. E., Shah, S. S., & Lannon, C. (2020). The Parent Role in Advocating for a Deteriorating Child: A Qualitative Study. Hospital pediatrics, 10(9), 728–742. https://doi.org/10.1542/hpeds.2020-0065
Bourdeau, T. L. (2013). When your child is diagnosed with chronic illness. American Psychological Association. https://www.apa.org/topics/chronic-illness/child
Del Principe, A. (2024). Managing food allergies at school. Kids with Food Allergies. https://kidswithfoodallergies.org/living-with-food-allergies/planning-for-school/
Donovan, E., Martin, S. R., Lung, K., Evans, S., Seidman, L. C., Cousineau, T. M., Cook, E., & Zeltzer, L. K. (2019). Pediatric Irritable Bowel Syndrome: Perspectives on Pain and Adolescent Social Functioning. Pain medicine (Malden, Mass.), 20(2), 213–222. https://doi.org/10.1093/pm/pny056
Essential tips for helping your child handle chronic gi problems at school. Center for Pediatric Gastroenterology and Nutrition. (n.d.). https://centerforpedsgi.com/essential-tips-for-helping-your-child-handle-chronic-gi-problems-at-school/
Food Allergy Research & Education [FARE]. (n.d.). Prevent and recognize bullying. FoodAllergy. https://www.foodallergy.org/resources/prevent-and-recognize-bullying
Hommel, K. A., McGraw, K. L., Ammerman, R. T., Heubi, J. E., Hansen, M., Dunlap, E., & Beidel, D. C. (2010). Psychosocial functioning in children and adolescents with gastrointestinal complaints and disorders. Journal of clinical psychology in medical settings, 17(2), 159–166. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10880-010-9193-4
McDougall, J., DeWit, D. J., & Wright, F. V. (2019). Social anxiety symptoms among youth with chronic health conditions: trajectories and related factors. Disability and Rehabilitation, 42(23), 3293–3305. https://doi.org/10.1080/09638288.2019.1590742
Nightingale, S. & Talley N. J. (2013). Irritable Bowel Syndrome in Children: Education, Reassurance, and Management. Consultant360, 12(6).
Nurko, S. (n.d.). Disorders of gut-brain interaction in pediatrics: A few observations. Rome Foundation. https://theromefoundation.org/dgbi-pediatrics/
Planning with your child. Crohn’s & Colitis Foundation. (n.d.). https://www.crohnscolitisfoundation.org/patientandcaregivers/youth-parent-resources/kids/importance-of-planning
Rawe, J. (2024, May 18). The difference between IEPS and 504 plans. Understood. https://www.understood.org/en/articles/the-difference-between-ieps-and-504-plans?utm_medium=cpc&utm_source=google-search-grant&utm_campaign=g_en_legal_504_iep_lj&utm_content=fam+lj+legal+504+meaning+nb&utm_term=what+is+a+504+plan_exact+match&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=11422660996&gbraid=0AAAAADo4WqcZDsiOn45teRSk-4_DCsQDu&gclid=CjwKCAjwi-DBBhA5EiwAXOHsGV8FdwX7r7ka-JyuolrCU1-sL7kRi_SGnqYJOPyxRGX0R2s10f6XSBoC2hgQAvD_BwE
School absences could help ID kids with chronic GI disorders. UVA Health Newsroom. (2025, March 4). https://newsroom.uvahealth.com/2025/03/04/school-absences-could-help-id-kids-with-chronic-gi-disorders/
Stein, K., Howarth, L., & Zucker, N. L. (2025). Mind–body treatments for children with functional gastrointestinal disorders. BJPsych Advances, 1–10. doi:10.1192/bja.2024.76
Student Support Teams. Charles County Public Schools. (n.d.). https://www.ccboe.com/departments/student-services/student-support/student-support-teams
The gut-brain connection. Harvard Health Publishing. (2023, July 18). https://www.health.harvard.edu/diseases-and-conditions/the-gut-brain-connection
Halloween is a time for fun, costumes, and treats, but it can also bring big feelings and fears for some children. Scary costumes and masks, spooky stories, or even the idea of trick-or-treating can make kids hesitant to participate in Halloween activities. It can be challenging to know the best way to comfort worries around Halloween while also encouraging children to face their fears.
Here are some helpful tips to prepare this week:
Listen and Validate Their Worries
When a child shares their fears, listen without judgment. Ask open-ended questions to encourage discussion, such as what worries them most and what excites them about Halloween. Acknowledge that it is completely normal to feel scared of costumes, decorations, or spooky stories. Validation helps children accept their feelings, builds trust that they can handle these feelings, and supports emotional regulation. Reassure them that they are safe and recognize their courage in expressing their concerns.
Practice and Prepare
Gradual exposure to those worry thoughts or feelings can help children manage their experiences about Halloween. If your child is nervous going to houses to trick-or-treat, practice first with a neighbor or family member. If costumes are frightening, then small. Try wearing a part of the costume at home or visiting a store to see masks and costumes on the shelves. Practicing coping strategies in advance can also be helpful. Our website offers free self-regulation activities designed to help children manage anxiety in the moment.
Use Imagination
Our imaginations are great at generating scary stories. Let’s flip the script and encourage children to reframe scary elements using imagination. If a character or mask seems frightening, help them create a funny or playful twist. Transforming decorations or situations into something humorous or positive gives children a sense of control and teaches cognitive flexibility (an important resilience skill!)
Supportive Presence
Provide a supportive presence by staying nearby while encouraging your child to face fears. Simply knowing a parent, sibling, or friend is close by can boost confidence and reduce their focus on their anxiety, while still allowing them to practice bravery in a safe environment.
Halloween can be a fun time, even for children who feel nervous about spookiness. By listening, validating feelings, practicing coping strategies, and using imagination, children can build confidence, enjoy the holiday festivities, and strengthen resilience skills that will help them navigate challenges long after Halloween is over.
For more tips and free resilience resources, visitwww.teachresilience.org and explore activities to help your child grow stronger, braver, and more confident every day.
Parents today wrestle with a question our grandparents barely thought about: Is my child ready to do this alone? From walking to a neighbor’s house to making lunch without help or planning outings with friends, these milestones often stir debate and, for many parents, anxiety.
How We Got Here
Over the past few decades, American childhood has changed dramatically. In the 1980s, fears of abduction and “stranger danger” led parents to keep a closer watch. By the 1990s, growing competition for colleges, a 24-hour news cycle, and expert advice urging constant enrichment pushed parenting into overdrive.
What began as helicoptering evolved into intensive parenting – child-centered, emotionally absorbing, time-consuming, and financially demanding. The result? A generation of parents stretched thin and a generation of kids who rarely get the chance to test themselves in the real world. As the U.S. Surgeon General recently warned, parents are burned out, and children are suffering historic rates of anxiety and depression.
What Kids Really Want
And yet, when asked what they want, kids’ answers are refreshingly simple. In a recent Harris Poll survey of 500 children ages 8–12, the overwhelming majority said their favorite way to spend time with friends was unstructured, in-person play such as pick-up basketball or exploring the neighborhood, rather than adult-organized activities or online gaming.
Unfortunately, most aren’t allowed to do it. Large numbers of kids have never walked to another grocery aisle alone, and many aren’t even permitted to play in their own front yards. So children turn to the one “place” where they can roam without interference: their screens. Online, they explore, socialize, and even take risks, but in a way that leaves them lonelier and more vulnerable.
The Cost of Overprotection
Research shows that this lack of independence matters. Overprotective parenting, even when well-intentioned, models avoidance, reinforces anxiety, and undermines the development of resilience and problem-solving skills. One study found that over-involved parenting is linked to poorer self-efficacy and emotional regulation in kids.
Psychologists like me see the impact daily: children who can’t handle setbacks, who fear ordinary challenges, who depend on their parents to smooth every rough patch. Meanwhile, parents feel guilty, exhausted, and more convinced than ever that they must double down.
Independence Helps Everyone
The good news is that giving children more independence benefits both them and their parents. Small steps, like doing laundry, walking the dog, running a simple errand, or riding a bike to a friend’s house can be transformative. Kids discover they are more capable than they realized, while parents gain confidence in their children’s abilities and reclaim a little breathing space for themselves.
Psychologists have begun to formalize this principle. For example, Camilo Ortiz has piloted “Independence Therapy,” which encourages children to take on age-appropriate tasks on their own. Kids of different ages might walk to the neighborhood store, cook a simple meal, or play outside with friends or siblings – without an adult hovering nearby. By mastering these challenges, kids learn to tolerate and deal with discomfort, distress, and disappointment – all crucial for mental health. Initial findings show that these “independence activities” reduce anxiety and boost resilience.
Eli Lebowitz developed the SPACE program (Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions), which teaches parents to step back from constant reassurance and accommodation, such as speaking to a teacher on their child’s behalf or staying with them at bedtime. Research shows that SPACE can be as effective as traditional therapy in reducing children’s anxiety.
Opening the Door
Letting go doesn’t mean neglect. It means offering kids the practice they need to become resilient and to rediscover joy in exploring the world. And it is giving parents something just as important: the chance to breathe, to reconnect with their own lives, and to discover that raising children doesn’t have to mean surrendering every ounce of freedom.
If we want kids to put down their phones, we must first open the front door. The path to healthier, happier families starts with one small step toward independence today.
As parents, we want to protect our kids from anything that might cause them pain. We wish we could smooth out every bump in the road! But the truth is we can’t, and honestly, we shouldn’t. Life will bring challenges, big feelings, and tough times for our kids, and what matters is how they learn to handle them.
The good news is that you don’t need to have all the answers to get it right! What your child needs to see is how you navigate life’s challenges with flexibility, courage, and self- compassion. They learn to be resilient by watching you. Here are a few simple ways you can “show up strong” for your child and teach them how to bounce back when life gets hard.
Be Real About Struggles
Your child needs to know that it is okay to struggle. You don’t have to pretend to have it all together. Actually, it helps them when you don’t. Try saying things like “I am feeling pretty overwhelmed right now, and that is okay. I am going to take a few deep breaths and figure out my next step.” This shows your child that it is normal to have big feelings, and that we can handle them.
Think Out Loud
When something goes wrong, let your child hear you work through it instead of keeping your problem-solving in your head. Talk it out! You can say something like “Hmm, this didn’t go as planned. I wonder what else I can try?” This shows your child that mistakes happen, obstacles get in the way, and that is part of learning and growing: We navigate through life and figure things out. An obstacle does not have to be a dead end.
Be Kind To Yourself (Also Out Loud!)
If your child only hears you being hard on yourself, that is the voice they will learn to use with themselves. Instead, model self-compassion. You can say something like “I am disappointed in how this turned out, but I learned a lot from the experience, and I will try again!” When you speak to yourself with kindness, you teach your child to do the same.
Praise the Process, Not Just the Outcome
We don’t build resilience by only celebrating wins. We build it by noticing effort. Point out such important steps as trying again after something is hard, asking for help, and staying calm even when frustrated. Share with your child that you are happy with how you handled things. When you cheer for the process, you are teaching your child that it’s about growing, not getting it perfect.
Tell Your Stories
Share age-appropriate stories about times you have struggled and made mistakes but worked through something hard. Let your child know you have had tough moments and figured out how to get through them. This makes it safe for them to talk to you about their hard moments, too.
Show That Getting Help is Brave
Resilience is not about toughing it out alone. Show your child that asking for help is the smart choice and a sign of strength. Let them see you lean on friends and family as well as professionals when you need to. You are teaching them that we don’t have to carry hard burdens by ourselves.
The bottom line is that your child does not need you to be perfect. They need you to be real. Every time you name your feelings, try again, speak kindly to yourself, and reach out for help, you are modeling resilience. You are showing them how to get back up when life knocks you down. That is how we raise strong, flexible kids. We don’t shield them from hard things, we show them how to face them — and that they have what they need to do it.
If you’ve ever tried to calm a frustrated or overwhelmed child, you know how tempting it is to jump straight into problem-solving mode. You might offer reassurance or advice in hopes of helping them feel better quickly. But here’s the catch: if your child doesn’t feel understood, those words likely won’t land the way you want them to. That’s where validation comes in.
What is Validation?
Validation means letting your child know that it is okay for them to feel whatever they are feeling. It’s not about agreeing with their behavior or feeling the same emotion yourself. It’s about showing them you understand why they feel upset, even if you don’t fully relate to how they feel or approve of how they’re expressing it.
When kids feel truly seen and understood, they’re more likely to calm down and be open to support. Without validation, even the most thoughtful reassurance or problem-solving can feel dismissive or disconnected. Further, when you validate your child’s emotions, you relay the message that all feelings are okay. When we take time to pause and consider children’s emotions, we are teaching them to do the same – stop and notice the feeling without judgment.
A Common Mistake: The “But”
We’ve all said it: “I get that you’re frustrated, but you have to do your homework.”
Even when it sounds caring, the word “but” can cancel out the validation that came before it. Try replacing “but” with “because:” “It makes sense that you’re feeling frustrated because you’d rather be doing something fun, because homework can feel boring or hard, and because it’s been a long day.”
Try pausing for a moment and asking yourself: Why does this feeling make sense? Think of at least three reasons. This simple shift can make a big difference.
What If I Don’t Know What My Child Is Feeling?
If your child is struggling to name their feelings, that’s okay. Start by strengthening your own emotional vocabulary. The more fluent you are with your own emotions, the better you’ll be at helping your child understand theirs.
One great tool is the How We Feel app: https://howwefeel.org/ It’s a free, kid- and adult-friendly tool to explore and label emotions.
Bottom Line:
Validation isn’t about fixing a feeling. It’s about honoring it. When kids feel understood, they’re better able to regulate and move forward with your support.
We often think of February as a dreary month, sandwiched between the long nights of winter and the not yet energizing warm days of spring. Someone wisely assigned it only 28 days rather than the usual 30 or 31!
Yet, smack in the middle of the month is a beautiful day set aside to celebrate a concept that is not easily defined … Love. Valentine’s Day is when we are given permission to freely express our love for another.
Love is quite a difficult word to define. There are so many permutations of the concept–romantic love, familial love, love of country, love of a thought, love of self. Each of these variations of love has a unifying concept: They all require work.
“Love of self and others means constantly trying to increase our capacity to meet life with openness.“
Erich Fromm, a German psychologist born in 1900, writes that love is ultimately not a feeling “…but a commitment to and adherence to, loving actions toward another, oneself, or many others over a sustained duration1.” He further says that in “its early stages (love) might appear as an involuntary feeling, but with time, no longer depends on those feelings, but rather depends only on conscious commitment.”
The love that seems to require the most work–now and as has always been–is love for those who are most unlike ourselves. Love is built on compassion. It is relatively easy to feel compassion toward someone less fortunate than ourselves. Now think about how hard it is to be compassionate toward someone who we perceive to be a threat to our thoughts or ideology. Someone who makes your blood boil.
The work of love is hard and tiresome. The work requires acts of sacrifice as well as acts of self-love. The work requires temporarily putting aside our own desires to understand the needs and desires of another. This requires listening fully to one another. Fully, not just the words that resonate, that are easy to hear, but the words that we might disagree with, that cause us to bristle, that makes us want to argue or, alternatively, to shut down and walk away.
Love is built on compassion. Compassion is enhanced by communication. Good communication breeds love. Healthy communication requires freeing your mind of preconceived notions and opening our ears to the words of another. The work of love lies in creating an environment in which both parties feel safe to express their own thoughts. Good communication and compromise is not based on acquiescing one’s own ideas to appease the other, but it does require respectfully listening to the other in order to hopefully find ways to resolve any conflicting ideas.
Love of self and others means constantly trying to increase our capacity to meet life with openness. If we are all working individually on this path, there is a chance that there might be a ripple effect, leading to a more resilient, compassionate ecosystem in which we can all feel loved.
In the true spirit of Valentine’s Day, a day filled with love, candy, and flowers, I offer these thoughts to you in the following poem.
Jalaluddin Rumi is a Persian poet, Islamic scholar and Sufi mystic born in the 13th century. His works have withstood the test of time and speak of challenges facing humanity that are as old as time itself.
1 Fromm, E. (1956). The Art of Loving. New York, Harper Colophon Books.
The Guest House by Jalaluddln Rumi
Translated by Coleman Barks
This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all! Even If they're a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still, treat each guest honorably. He may be clearing you out for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.
Rumi, J. (2004). The guest house. In C. Barks with J. Moynce, A. J. Arberry, & R. Nicholson (Trans.). Rumi: Selected poems. Penguin Books. (Original work published ca. 1262)
Dr. Anne Hayes, Advisory Council member, Resilience Across Borders
Dr. Anne Hayes is a Child and Adolescent Psychiatrist in private practice in Bethesda, MD. Dr. Hayes completed medical school, residency, and fellowship training at Georgetown University. She worked in the Community Mental Health setting for many years before transitioning to a full-time private practice. Her hope is to bring the Resilience Builder Program into the juvenile justice system in some capacity in the future.
Anxiety disorders are among the most common childhood mental health concerns; the CDC reports that approximately 9.4% of U.S. children ages 3-17 meet the criteria for an anxiety diagnosis. Children with anxiety experience symptoms including frequent worry, restlessness, concentration difficulties, physical symptoms like headaches and stomachaches, sleep problems, and changes in appetite.
Parenting a child with an anxiety diagnosis can be difficult, particularly when your child seems to become overwhelmed by simple tasks. Children with anxiety often ask for reassurance from their families and friends. For example: “Do you think I will pass the test?” “Are you sure my friend likes me?” “I won’t get sick, right?” It’s natural as a parent to want to ease your child’s discomfort in the moment. For example, you may order for your child at a restaurant when they say they’re too scared. Counterintuitively, these behaviors, known as parental accommodation, only strengthen your child’s anxiety and avoidance. Although they may feel better momentarily, your child has missed an opportunity to learn they can handle taking steps that feel scary. Fortunately, there are practical steps you can take to support your child in facing their fears.
Encourage your child to try things that make them anxious. Reduce accommodations that get in the way. Resist the temptation to let your child “escape.” Instead, validate their feelings and let them know you believe in them! Remind yourself that guiding your child to engage with anxiety helps them learn that they can handle fears. This lesson will help them throughout their lives!
Validate their fears and praise efforts to change, no matter how small. For example, try the following supportive statements:
I can tell this is so hard for you. You’re doing a great job being brave!
I believe in you and know you can take this step. You’ve been brave so many times.
Being worried is so uncomfortable, but it cannot hurt you.
I trust you to handle this well. You know what to do.
Reward your child when they take steps toward working on their anxiety. No step is too small! Rewards don’t have to be big or expensive. Popular examples include playing a game with a parent, a trip to the dollar store, or a special dessert.
Model your own brave behaviors. Challenge yourself and let your child know! Parents can be wonderful examples.
Recommended Reading: Breaking Free of Child Anxiety and OCD: A Scientifically Proven Program for Parents by Eli R. Lebowitz
Rachel Weinstock, Ph.D. is a licensed psychologist at Alvord, Baker & Associates. She earned her B.A. from Cornell University and her M.A. and Ph.D. from Georgia State University. She completed her predoctoral internship training at the Kennedy Krieger Institute and Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine. She then completed her postdoctoral fellowship at Children’s National Medical Center, with a focus on youth anxiety and related disorders. Her research interests include factors contributing to the development of anxiety disorders, as well as barriers to treatment for children with mental health concerns.
At times, you may feel you’re trapped in a cycle of negative interactions with your child. To break the cycle, it may seem logical to target the unwanted behaviors with consequences such as time outs. However, research shows that focusing on increasing positive behaviors is more effective. These two approaches may sound similar in theory, but they are vastly different in practice.
It may feel difficult to focus on improving your relationship when you’re already trapped in a negative cycle. An easy place to start is by setting up a daily routine of “special time”: a specified, uninterrupted period of time in which you join your child one-on-one in play, while allowing them to fully take the lead. Even a daily 5 minutes of special time can not only promote a secure, warm relationship between you and your child, but also help improve your child’s self-esteem, social skills, and even language skills. It’s derived from Parent Child Interaction Therapy (PCIT), an evidence-based treatment that includes two phases: a “child-directed” phase that focuses on positive behaviors, followed by a “parent-directed” phase that focuses on limit setting. Limit setting is more effective when it takes place in the context of a positive parent-child relationship.
How to Practice “Special Time”
It is important to set yourself up for success by using toys that encourage creative and safe play, while also letting you follow your child’s lead (blocks, toy cars, food and kitchen toys, crayons and paper). Avoid toys that are conducive to rough play (balls, action figures), messy play (slime, paint), games with rules, or games with little interaction (books, video games). Once you have an activity in mind, it’s time to play! To make sure your special time is truly child-led, you can follow these dos and don’ts.
You can remember the dos with the acronym PRIDE:
PRAISE: Praise appropriate behavior – and be specific! (e.g., “Great job building such a tall tower”)
REFLECT: Reflect appropriate talk (e.g., Child: “I drew a cat.” Parent: “Yes, you drew a cat!”)
IMITATE: Imitate appropriate play (e.g., Child: Drawing a flower. Parent: “I’m going to draw flowers just like you.”)
DESCRIBE: Describe appropriate behavior – act as a “sportscaster” for your child’s play (e.g., Child: Making a tower. Parent: “You’re making a tower!”)
Be ENTHUSIASTIC!
These allow your child to lead the play while showing that you approve of the activity and are interested in what they are doing. As for the don’ts, the goal is to avoid using any commands (“Hand me that block”), questions (“What are you drawing?”), and critical statements (“That’s not what a cow says”) during the designated special time, as these can interfere in your child’s ability to lead play. Try your best to ignore any attention-seeking negative behaviors. However, if your child becomes aggressive or destructive, then it is time to stop special time.
Special Time with Teens
Special time is most used with younger children; however, you can still do a variant of special time with your teenager–it will just have to look a bit different. While spending one-on-one time with your teen (preferably an activity of their choice), make no corrections or criticisms and give no directions. Or, take a moment to observe your teen doing something they enjoy (e.g., working on an art project, watching a basketball game on TV) and casually provide some positive attention. Show genuine interest in what your teen is doing and ask to join.
It helps to take a more subtle approach that makes less of a “to-do” out of special time. For example, PRIDE skills can be implemented in more age-appropriate ways by using validation (communicating to another person that their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are understandable to you in a particular situation) more than straightforward praise. Additionally, the activity may be less restricted by the above recommendations; for example, games with rules may be more feasible with a teen.
Don’t worry if your teen rejects your initial attempts–this response may shift over time as they realize your motives are genuine. Taking a more passive approach with your teen may also help, by initiating time together without drawing too much attention to it. Founder of Hand in Hand Parenting, Patty Wipfler, has come up with some creative ideas for this, such as: take a book to read in the same room in which your teen is doing their homework; join your teen in their room to really listen to their favorite music; or sit with your teen while they eat their after-school snack. The goal is to pay attention to your teen in a “low-key” way and to look for ways to offer your approval, no questions asked.
The more consistently and predictably you practice special time with your child, the more likely you are to see improvements in your child’s behavior over time. If at any point your child’s behaviors become overly interfering with day-to-day functioning, it may be time to check in with your pediatrician.
Dr. Lindsay Myerberg is an RAB Research Fellow and licensed clinical psychologist at Alvord, Baker and Associates, LLC, in Rockville, MD. Dr. Myerberg earned her PhD from Temple University and completed her clinical internship at the University of Maryland Medical Center Child & Adolescent Inpatient Unit. Dr. Myerberg has provided evidence-based treatments for children, adolescents, and adults in a variety of settings and is actively involved in research evaluating cognitive-behavioral interventions for youth.
