Helping Kids with Halloween Fears 

by Mary Fallon Guy, MA, Deputy Executive Director Blog Post

By Mary Fallon Guy

Halloween is a time for fun, costumes, and treats, but it can also bring big feelings and fears for some children. Scary costumes and masks, spooky stories, or even the idea of trick-or-treating can make kids hesitant to participate in Halloween activities.  It can be challenging to know the best way to comfort worries around Halloween while also encouraging children to face their fears. 

Here are some helpful tips to prepare this week:  

Listen and Validate Their Worries 

When a child shares their fears, listen without judgment. Ask open-ended questions to encourage discussion, such as what worries them most and what excites them about Halloween. Acknowledge that it is completely normal to feel scared of costumes, decorations, or spooky stories. Validation helps children accept their feelings, builds trust that they can handle these feelings, and supports emotional regulation. Reassure them that they are safe and recognize their courage in expressing their concerns. 

Practice and Prepare 

Gradual exposure to those worry thoughts or feelings can help children manage their experiences about Halloween. If your child is nervous going to houses to trick-or-treat, practice first with a neighbor or family member. If costumes are frightening, then small. Try wearing a part of the costume at home or visiting a store to see masks and costumes on the shelves. Practicing coping strategies in advance can also be helpful. Our website offers free self-regulation activities designed to help children manage anxiety in the moment.

Use Imagination 

Our imaginations are great at generating scary stories. Let’s flip the script and encourage children to reframe scary elements using imagination. If a character or mask seems frightening, help them create a funny or playful twist. Transforming decorations or situations into something humorous or positive gives children a sense of control and teaches cognitive flexibility (an important resilience skill!) 

Supportive Presence 

Provide a supportive presence by staying nearby while encouraging your child to face fears. Simply knowing a parent, sibling, or friend is close by can boost confidence and reduce their focus on their anxiety, while still allowing them to practice bravery in a safe environment. 

Halloween can be a fun time, even for children who feel nervous about spookiness. By listening, validating feelings, practicing coping strategies, and using imagination, children can build confidence, enjoy the holiday festivities, and strengthen resilience skills that will help them navigate challenges long after Halloween is over. 

For more tips and free resilience resources, visit www.teachresilience.org and explore activities to help your child grow stronger, braver, and more confident every day. 

Is My Child Ready to Do This Alone? The Importance of Letting Go
Source: kegfire.

Is My Child Ready to Do This Alone? The Importance of Letting Go

by Jelena Kecmanovic, PhD, Board Member Blog Post

Parents today wrestle with a question our grandparents barely thought about: Is my child ready to do this alone? From walking to a neighbor’s house to making lunch without help or planning outings with friends, these milestones often stir debate and, for many parents, anxiety.

How We Got Here

Over the past few decades, American childhood has changed dramatically. In the 1980s, fears of abduction and “stranger danger” led parents to keep a closer watch. By the 1990s, growing competition for colleges, a 24-hour news cycle, and expert advice urging constant enrichment pushed parenting into overdrive.

What began as helicoptering evolved into intensive parenting – child-centered, emotionally absorbing, time-consuming, and financially demanding. The result? A generation of parents stretched thin and a generation of kids who rarely get the chance to test themselves in the real world. As the U.S. Surgeon General recently warned, parents are burned out, and children are suffering historic rates of anxiety and depression.

What Kids Really Want

And yet, when asked what they want, kids’ answers are refreshingly simple. In a recent Harris Poll survey of 500 children ages 8–12, the overwhelming majority said their favorite way to spend time with friends was unstructured, in-person play such as pick-up basketball or exploring the neighborhood, rather than adult-organized activities or online gaming.

Unfortunately, most aren’t allowed to do it. Large numbers of kids have never walked to another grocery aisle alone, and many aren’t even permitted to play in their own front yards. So children turn to the one “place” where they can roam without interference: their screens. Online, they explore, socialize, and even take risks, but in a way that leaves them lonelier and more vulnerable.

The Cost of Overprotection

Research shows that this lack of independence matters. Overprotective parenting, even when well-intentioned, models avoidance, reinforces anxiety, and undermines the development of resilience and problem-solving skills. One study found that over-involved parenting is linked to poorer self-efficacy and emotional regulation in kids.

Psychologists like me see the impact daily: children who can’t handle setbacks, who fear ordinary challenges, who depend on their parents to smooth every rough patch. Meanwhile, parents feel guilty, exhausted, and more convinced than ever that they must double down.

Independence Helps Everyone

The good news is that giving children more independence benefits both them and their parents. Small steps, like doing laundry, walking the dog, running a simple errand, or riding a bike to a friend’s house can be transformative. Kids discover they are more capable than they realized, while parents gain confidence in their children’s abilities and reclaim a little breathing space for themselves.

Psychologists have begun to formalize this principle. For example, Camilo Ortiz has piloted “Independence Therapy,” which encourages children to take on age-appropriate tasks on their own. Kids of different ages might walk to the neighborhood store, cook a simple meal, or play outside with friends or siblings – without an adult hovering nearby. By mastering these challenges, kids learn to tolerate and deal with discomfort, distress, and disappointment – all crucial for mental health. Initial findings show that these “independence activities” reduce anxiety and boost resilience.

Eli Lebowitz developed the SPACE program (Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions), which teaches parents to step back from constant reassurance and accommodation, such as speaking to a teacher on their child’s behalf or staying with them at bedtime. Research shows that SPACE can be as effective as traditional therapy in reducing children’s anxiety.

Opening the Door

Letting go doesn’t mean neglect. It means offering kids the practice they need to become resilient and to rediscover joy in exploring the world. And it is giving parents something just as important: the chance to breathe, to reconnect with their own lives, and to discover that raising children doesn’t have to mean surrendering every ounce of freedom.

If we want kids to put down their phones, we must first open the front door. The path to healthier, happier families starts with one small step toward independence today.

How to Show Up Strong:  Modeling Resilience for Your Child
credit: kegfire

How to Show Up Strong:  Modeling Resilience for Your Child

by Beth Salcedo, MD, Founding Member Blog Post

As parents, we want to protect our kids from anything that might cause them pain.  We wish we could smooth out every bump in the road!  But the truth is we can’t, and honestly, we shouldn’t.  Life will bring challenges, big feelings, and tough times for our kids, and what matters is how they learn to handle them. 

The good news is that you don’t need to have all the answers to get it right!  What your child needs to see is how you navigate life’s challenges with flexibility, courage, and self- compassion.  They learn to be resilient by watching you.  Here are a few simple ways you can “show up strong” for your child and teach them how to bounce back when life gets hard.

Be Real About Struggles

Your child needs to know that it is okay to struggle.  You don’t have to pretend to have it all together.  Actually, it helps them when you don’t.  Try saying things like “I am feeling pretty overwhelmed right now, and that is okay. I am going to take a few deep breaths and figure out my next step.”  This shows your child that it is normal to have big feelings, and that we can handle them.

Think Out Loud

When something goes wrong, let your child hear you work through it instead of keeping your problem-solving in your head.  Talk it out!  You can say something like “Hmm, this didn’t go as planned.  I wonder what else I can try?”  This shows your child that mistakes happen, obstacles get in the way, and that is part of learning and growing: We navigate through life and figure things out.  An obstacle does not have to be a dead end.

Be Kind To Yourself (Also Out Loud!)

If your child only hears you being hard on yourself, that is the voice they will learn to use with themselves. Instead, model self-compassion.  You can say something like “I am disappointed in how this turned out, but I learned a lot from the experience, and I will try again!”  When you speak to yourself with kindness, you teach your child to do the same.

Praise the Process, Not Just the Outcome

We don’t build resilience by only celebrating wins.  We build it by noticing effort.  Point out such important steps as trying again after something is hard, asking for help, and staying calm even when frustrated.  Share with your child that you are happy with how you handled things. When you cheer for the process, you are teaching your child that it’s about growing, not getting it perfect.

Tell Your Stories

Share age-appropriate stories about times you have struggled and made mistakes but worked through something hard. Let your child know you have had tough moments and figured out how to get through them.  This makes it safe for them to talk to you about their hard moments, too.

Show That Getting Help is Brave

Resilience is not about toughing it out alone.  Show your child that asking for help is the smart choice and a sign of strength.  Let them see you lean on friends and family as well as professionals when you need to.  You are teaching them that we don’t have to carry hard burdens by ourselves. 

The bottom line is that your child does not need you to be perfect.  They need you to be real.  Every time you name your feelings, try again, speak kindly to yourself, and reach out for help, you are modeling resilience.  You are showing them how to get back up when life knocks you down.  That is how we raise strong, flexible kids.  We don’t shield them from hard things, we show them how to face them — and that they have what they need to do it.

Validating Emotions: What It Is and Why It Is Important for Children
Credit: kegfire

Validating Emotions: What It Is and Why It Is Important for Children

by Lindsay Myerberg, Ph.D., Fellow, Resilience Across Borders Blog Post

If you’ve ever tried to calm a frustrated or overwhelmed child, you know how tempting it is to jump straight into problem-solving mode. You might offer reassurance or advice in hopes of helping them feel better quickly. But here’s the catch: if your child doesn’t feel understood, those words likely won’t land the way you want them to. That’s where validation comes in.

What is Validation?

Validation means letting your child know that it is okay for them to feel whatever they are feeling. It’s not about agreeing with their behavior or feeling the same emotion yourself. It’s about showing them you understand why they feel upset, even if you don’t fully relate to how they feel or approve of how they’re expressing it.

When kids feel truly seen and understood, they’re more likely to calm down and be open to support. Without validation, even the most thoughtful reassurance or problem-solving can feel dismissive or disconnected. Further, when you validate your child’s emotions, you relay the message that all feelings are okay. When we take time to pause and consider children’s emotions, we are teaching them to do the same – stop and notice the feeling without judgment. 

A Common Mistake: The “But”

We’ve all said it: “I get that you’re frustrated, but you have to do your homework.”

Even when it sounds caring, the word “but” can cancel out the validation that came before it. Try replacing “but” with “because:” “It makes sense that you’re feeling frustrated because you’d rather be doing something fun, because homework can feel boring or hard, and because it’s been a long day.”

Try pausing for a moment and asking yourself: Why does this feeling make sense? Think of at least three reasons. This simple shift can make a big difference.

What If I Don’t Know What My Child Is Feeling?

If your child is struggling to name their feelings, that’s okay. Start by strengthening your own emotional vocabulary. The more fluent you are with your own emotions, the better you’ll be at helping your child understand theirs.

One great tool is the How We Feel app: https://howwefeel.org/ It’s a free, kid- and adult-friendly tool to explore and label emotions. 

Bottom Line:

Validation isn’t about fixing a feeling. It’s about honoring it. When kids feel understood, they’re better able to regulate and move forward with your support.

Additional Resources:

The Hardest Work of Love (And Why It Matters Most)

The Hardest Work of Love (And Why It Matters Most)

by Dr. Anne Hayes, Advisory Council member, Resilience Across Borders Blog Post
Artwork by Viniflora

We often think of February as a dreary month, sandwiched between the long nights of winter and the not yet energizing warm days of spring. Someone wisely assigned it only 28 days rather than the usual 30 or 31! 

Yet, smack in the middle of the month is a beautiful day set aside to celebrate a concept that is not easily defined … Love. Valentine’s Day is when we are given permission to freely express our love for another. 

Love is quite a difficult word to define. There are so many permutations of the concept–romantic love, familial love, love of country, love of a thought, love of self. Each of these variations of love has a unifying concept: They all require work.

“Love of self and others means constantly trying to increase our capacity to meet life with openness.“

Erich Fromm, a German psychologist born in 1900, writes that love is ultimately not a feeling “…but a commitment to and adherence to, loving actions toward another, oneself, or many others over a sustained duration1.” He further says that in “its early stages (love) might appear as an involuntary feeling, but with time, no longer depends on those feelings, but rather depends only on conscious commitment.” 

The love that seems to require the most work–now and as has always been–is love for those who are most unlike ourselves. Love is built on compassion. It is relatively easy to feel compassion toward someone less fortunate than ourselves. Now think about how hard it is to be compassionate toward someone who we perceive to be a threat to our thoughts or ideology. Someone who makes your blood boil. 

The work of love is hard and tiresome. The work requires acts of sacrifice as well as acts of self-love. The work requires temporarily putting aside our own desires to understand the needs and desires of another. This requires listening fully to one another. Fully, not just the words that resonate, that are easy to hear, but the words that we might disagree with, that cause us to bristle, that makes us want to argue or, alternatively, to shut down and walk away. 

Love is built on compassion. Compassion is enhanced by communication. Good communication breeds love. Healthy communication requires freeing your mind of preconceived notions and opening our ears to the words of another. The work of love lies in creating an environment in which both parties feel safe to express their own thoughts. Good communication and compromise is not based on acquiescing one’s own ideas to appease the other, but it does require respectfully listening to the other in order to hopefully find ways to resolve any conflicting ideas. 

Love of self and others means constantly trying to increase our capacity to meet life with openness. If we are all working individually on this path, there is a chance that there might be a ripple effect, leading to a more resilient, compassionate ecosystem in which we can all feel loved.

In the true spirit of Valentine’s Day, a day filled with love, candy, and flowers, I offer these thoughts to you in the following poem.

Jalaluddin Rumi is a Persian poet, Islamic scholar and Sufi mystic born in the 13th century. His works have withstood the test of time and speak of challenges facing humanity that are as old as time itself.

1 Fromm, E. (1956). The Art of Loving. New York, Harper Colophon Books.

The Guest House
by Jalaluddln Rumi 

Translated by Coleman Barks
 
This being human is a guest house. 
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness, 
some momentary awareness comes 
as an unexpected visitor. 

Welcome and entertain them all! 
Even If they're a crowd of sorrows, 
who violently sweep your house 
empty of its furniture, 
still, treat each guest honorably. 
He may be clearing you out 
for some new delight. 

The dark thought, the shame, the malice, 
meet them at the door laughing, 
and invite them in. 

Be grateful for whoever comes, 
because each has been sent 
as a guide from beyond. 

Rumi, J. (2004). The guest house. In C. Barks with J. Moynce, A. J. Arberry, & R. Nicholson (Trans.). Rumi: Selected poems. Penguin Books. (Original work published ca. 1262)
Dr. Anne Hayes, Advisory Council member, Resilience Across Borders

Dr. Anne Hayes is a Child and Adolescent Psychiatrist in private practice in Bethesda, MD. Dr. Hayes completed medical school, residency, and fellowship training at Georgetown University. She worked in the Community Mental Health setting for many years before transitioning to a full-time private practice. Her hope is to bring the Resilience Builder Program into the juvenile justice system in some capacity in the future.

Parenting Anxious Children: Encourage Your Child to Face their Fears
Photo by ©sturti via Canva.com

Parenting Anxious Children: Encourage Your Child to Face their Fears

by Rachel Weinstock, Ph.D., Fellow, Resilience Across Borders Blog Post

Anxiety disorders are among the most common childhood mental health concerns; the CDC reports that approximately 9.4% of U.S. children ages 3-17 meet the criteria for an anxiety diagnosis. Children with anxiety experience symptoms including frequent worry, restlessness, concentration difficulties, physical symptoms like headaches and stomachaches, sleep problems, and changes in appetite. 

Parenting a child with an anxiety diagnosis can be difficult, particularly when your child seems to become overwhelmed by simple tasks. Children with anxiety often ask for reassurance from their families and friends. For example: “Do you think I will pass the test?” “Are you sure my friend likes me?” “I won’t get sick, right?”  It’s natural as a parent to want to ease your child’s discomfort in the moment. For example, you may order for your child at a restaurant when they say they’re too scared. Counterintuitively, these behaviors, known as parental accommodation, only strengthen your child’s anxiety and avoidance. Although they may feel better momentarily, your child has missed an opportunity to learn they can handle taking steps that feel scary. Fortunately, there are practical steps you can take to support your child in facing their fears. 

Encourage your child to try things that make them anxious. Reduce accommodations that get in the way. Resist the temptation to let your child “escape.” Instead, validate their feelings and let them know you believe in them! Remind yourself that guiding your child to engage with anxiety helps them learn that they can handle fears. This lesson will help them throughout their lives!

Validate their fears and praise efforts to change, no matter how small. For example, try the following supportive statements:

I can tell this is so hard for you. You’re doing a great job being brave!

I believe in you and know you can take this step. You’ve been brave so many times.

Being worried is so uncomfortable, but it cannot hurt you.

I trust you to handle this well. You know what to do.

Reward your child when they take steps toward working on their anxiety. No step is too small! Rewards don’t have to be big or expensive. Popular examples include playing a game with a parent, a trip to the dollar store, or a special dessert. 

Model your own brave behaviors. Challenge yourself and let your child know! Parents can be wonderful examples.

Recommended Reading: Breaking Free of Child Anxiety and OCD: A Scientifically Proven Program for Parents by Eli R. Lebowitz

Rachel Weinstock, Ph.D. is a licensed psychologist at Alvord, Baker & Associates. She earned her B.A. from Cornell University and her M.A. and Ph.D. from Georgia State University. She completed her predoctoral internship training at the Kennedy Krieger Institute and Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine. She then completed her postdoctoral fellowship at Children’s National Medical Center, with a focus on youth anxiety and related disorders. Her research interests include factors contributing to the development of anxiety disorders, as well as barriers to treatment for children with mental health concerns.

Using “Special Time” to Connect with your Child and Improve their Behavior
Photo by ©fizkes via Canva.com

Using “Special Time” to Connect with your Child and Improve their Behavior

by Lindsay Myerberg, Ph.D., Fellow, Resilience Across Borders Blog Post

At times, you may feel you’re trapped in a cycle of negative interactions with your child. To break the cycle, it may seem logical to target the unwanted behaviors with consequences such as time outs. However, research shows that focusing on increasing positive behaviors is more effective. These two approaches may sound similar in theory, but they are vastly different in practice.

It may feel difficult to focus on improving your relationship when you’re already trapped in a negative cycle. An easy place to start is by setting up a daily routine of “special time”: a specified, uninterrupted period of time in which you join your child one-on-one in play, while allowing them to fully take the lead. Even a daily 5 minutes of special time can not only promote a secure, warm relationship between you and your child, but also help improve your child’s self-esteem, social skills, and even language skills. It’s derived from Parent Child Interaction Therapy (PCIT), an evidence-based treatment that includes two phases: a “child-directed” phase that focuses on positive behaviors, followed by a “parent-directed” phase that focuses on limit setting. Limit setting is more effective when it takes place in the context of a positive parent-child relationship.

How to Practice “Special Time”

It is important to set yourself up for success by using toys that encourage creative and safe play, while also letting you follow your child’s lead (blocks, toy cars, food and kitchen toys, crayons and paper). Avoid toys that are conducive to rough play (balls, action figures), messy play (slime, paint), games with rules, or games with little interaction (books, video games). Once you have an activity in mind, it’s time to play! To make sure your special time is truly child-led, you can follow these dos and don’ts.

You can remember the dos with the acronym PRIDE:

  • PRAISE: Praise appropriate behavior – and be specific! (e.g., “Great job building such a tall tower”)
  • REFLECT: Reflect appropriate talk (e.g., Child: “I drew a cat.” Parent: “Yes, you drew a cat!”)
  • IMITATE: Imitate appropriate play (e.g., Child: Drawing a flower. Parent: “I’m going to draw flowers just like you.”)
  • DESCRIBE: Describe appropriate behavior – act as a “sportscaster” for your child’s play (e.g., Child: Making a tower. Parent: “You’re making a tower!”)
  • Be ENTHUSIASTIC!

These allow your child to lead the play while showing that you approve of the activity and are interested in what they are doing.  As for the don’ts, the goal is to avoid using any commands (“Hand me that block”), questions (“What are you drawing?”), and critical statements (“That’s not what a cow says”) during the designated special time, as these can interfere in your child’s ability to lead play. Try your best to ignore any attention-seeking negative behaviors. However, if your child becomes aggressive or destructive, then it is time to stop special time.

Special Time with Teens

Special time is most used with younger children; however, you can still do a variant of special time with your teenager–it will just have to look a bit different. While spending one-on-one time with your teen (preferably an activity of their choice), make no corrections or criticisms and give no directions. Or, take a moment to observe your teen doing something they enjoy (e.g., working on an art project, watching a basketball game on TV) and casually provide some positive attention. Show genuine interest in what your teen is doing and ask to join.

It helps to take a more subtle approach that makes less of a “to-do” out of special time. For example, PRIDE skills can be implemented in more age-appropriate ways by using validation (communicating to another person that their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are understandable to you in a particular situation) more than straightforward praise. Additionally, the activity may be less restricted by the above recommendations; for example, games with rules may be more feasible with a teen.

Don’t worry if your teen rejects your initial attempts–this response may shift over time as they realize your motives are genuine. Taking a more passive approach with your teen may also help, by initiating time together without drawing too much attention to it. Founder of Hand in Hand Parenting, Patty Wipfler, has come up with some creative ideas for this, such as: take a book to read in the same room in which your teen is doing their homework; join your teen in their room to really listen to their favorite music; or sit with your teen while they eat their after-school snack. The goal is to pay attention to your teen in a “low-key” way and to look for ways to offer your approval, no questions asked.

The more consistently and predictably you practice special time with your child, the more likely you are to see improvements in your child’s behavior over time. If at any point your child’s behaviors become overly interfering with day-to-day functioning, it may be time to check in with your pediatrician.

Dr. Lindsay Myerberg is an RAB Research Fellow and licensed clinical psychologist at Alvord, Baker and Associates, LLC, in Rockville, MD. Dr. Myerberg earned her PhD from Temple University and completed her clinical internship at the University of Maryland Medical Center Child & Adolescent Inpatient Unit. Dr. Myerberg has provided evidence-based treatments for children, adolescents, and adults in a variety of settings and is actively involved in research evaluating cognitive-behavioral interventions for youth.

Resilience Across Borders Earns a Three-Star Rating From Charity Navigator

by Resilience Across Borders Press Release

Silver Spring, MD, November 17, 2022 – Resilience Across Borders is proud to announce that its strong financial health and ongoing accountability and transparency has earned a Three-Star Rating from Charity Navigator. This rating designates Resilience Across Borders as an official “Give with Confidence” charity, indicating that our organization is using its donations effectively based on Charity Navigator’s criteria. Charity Navigator is America’s largest and most-utilized independent charity evaluator. Since 2001, the organization has been an unbiased and trusted source of information for more than 11 million donors annually.

Charity Navigator analyzes nonprofit performance based on four key indicators, referred to as beacons. Currently, nonprofits can earn scores for the Impact & Results, Accountability & Finance, Culture & Community, and Leadership & Adaptability beacons.

“We are delighted to provide Resilience Across Borders with third-party accreditation that validates their operational excellence,” said Michael Thatcher, President and CEO of Charity Navigator. “We are eager to see the good work that Resilience Across Borders is able to accomplish in the years ahead.”

 “Our Three-Star Charity Navigator rating is further validation that our supporters can trust our commitment to good governance and financial health,” said Ariana Lobasso, Executive Director of Resilience Across Borders. “We hope that it will introduce our work to new supporters who can help us advance our mission to increase access to mental health interventions for all children and adolescents.”

Currently, Resilience Across Borders has partnered with three elementary schools serving economically marginalized communities to bring our program to their 5th grade students. Educators trained in our Resilience Builder Program-Universal™ teach children skills that research shows increase both resilience (the ability to adapt to life’s challenges) and academic engagement. Resilience Across Borders looks forward to expanding our impact to more schools each year.

Resilience Across Borders’ rating and other information about charitable giving are available free of charge on charitynavigator.org.

About Resilience Across Borders

Resilience Across Borders is dedicated to increasing access to mental health interventions for all children and adolescents. Our research-based method helps youth build resilience so they can adapt to life’s challenges now and throughout their lives. Connect with us on resilienceacrossborders.org, Facebook, or Twitter.

Talking to Kids about Illness and Death
Photo by ©esthermoreno via Canva.com

Talking to Kids about Illness and Death

by Dr. Dana Kornfeld, Board member, Resilience Across Borders Blog Post

Illness and death are a natural part of life, and we’ve all–kids included–been surrounded by far too much of both during the COVID-19 pandemic. Many parents struggle with how to broach these difficult subjects, especially when it comes to speaking with younger children.

Although every story is different, the questions parents ask me tend to have a whole lot in common. Below is a sample of those I hear most frequently–followed by my best advice after 30 years of practicing pediatrics and being a mom.

Should I tell my children that Grandma is sick? They’ve always been very close, and I don’t want them to be scared.

We love our children so much; we wish we could protect them from the painful things in life. But honesty and openness are always the best route with children. Kids are very good at intuiting when there is sadness or stress in a family. Hearing whispers behind closed doors causes way more anxiety for them than facing sad or even scary truths—especially if you answer any questions they raise in a frank and calm way, using age-appropriate language.

Even with very young children, the explanation should be direct and clear. It’s good to start with something to prepare them such as: “I want to talk with you about something that is sad.” That prepares them for hearing something hard. For example: “Grandma is very sick and her heart isn’t working anymore. The doctors feel she will die very soon.” Then you wait, allowing time for the information to sink in and to assess your child’s response. You can be there to hold them, love them, answer any questions, and accept any response they may have. You can let them know you are sad and that it is ok to cry or not to cry.

For some children, the information will sink in slowly, and you will need to keep coming back to explore how they feel. Sometimes with younger children, tackling these topics is more accessible through play, perhaps using dolls or toys to act out different emotions and responses. Sometimes children, even older children, may not want or be able to talk right away. Let them know this is ok. Keep going back to ask how they are feeling and if they want to talk or just spend time together. Sometimes just having a parent there and feeling a non-verbal loving connection is what your child needs if they are not ready or able to talk.

How do I tell my child that someone has died?

Once again, I think it’s important to use clear and honest language. Euphemisms can sometimes be scarier for children because they are harder to understand than clear language. And it’s important to remember that when there is a death, children’s worries are going to focus on the living people they love the most. They may ask questions that suggest that they are worried about you–it is ok to reassure them that you are very healthy and so are they.

Sometimes it is appropriate to let kids know that what happened is no one’s fault; kids will sometimes feel guilt or engage in magical thinking (i.e., unrealistic reasoning to make sense of difficult experiences) around a death. Because of their vivid imaginations and because they often feel they have enormous power to make both good and bad things happen in the world, children’s magical thinking is very common and can be quite intense. They may, for example, worry that something they or someone else said or did (or didn’t do) was the cause of the death. It is very important to talk about these thoughts so they do not lead to excessive worry and shame.

As painful as it is to see your child suffer, it is important to be there with their pain and not rush to try to make them feel better. Pain and sadness are a part of life; we want to open the door for our children to tolerate and be with all of their difficult emotions.

Is it okay for my child to see me grieving?

Yes! It is okay for a child to see a parent cry. It is okay for a parent to say, “I am feeling sad.” At the same time, it’s important to try to keep your child’s life as consistent as possible, even when you are deeply grieving. They will be fearful if they feel a parent is so distraught that they are unable to take care of them in their usual way. Reassure your child that although there is sadness and grief in your life right now, you have each other and will get through this together. Keeping routines as close to normal as possible in terms of bedtime, meals, and family rituals is important to give them a feeling of safety and a sense that life will go on. You can read more about understanding and honoring your own grief here.

Should I bring my child to a funeral?

I think this depends on the child’s maturity level. Sometimes images from a funeral can be very scary to young children (i.e. seeing the body, dirt getting shoveled on a coffin) and you may decide that it is better not to have a smaller child attend. Older children may want to participate in the family ritual, and it can be very connecting and healing for them. If you decide that it’s better for your young child not to attend, you may want to have your own separate family ritual, so that your child has the chance to process the death and feel connected in a warm and comforting way.

What if my child won’t talk about the death of a loved one–even someone really close?

Sometimes parents worry that their child is not even reacting to the news of a death and is continuing to live their life as though it never happened. It is important to realize that children may need time to process the event. Continue to try to connect with your child to find out whether there are any big feelings that they are hiding or burying, but don’t push. Accept all responses and do not have expectations that your child should react in any particular way. As difficult and painful as it is to talk about death with a child, it is important for our kids to know that we are there for them to talk about anything. (And we’re there for them when they don’t want to talk.) We want them to know that we are not retreating from hard topics. Butsometimes the best way to “be there” is just to be there, without looking for more.

What if my child asks me a question I can’t answer? Or that I don’t want to answer?

Sometimes it’s hard to know how to answer a question your child asks you. It is always okay to say, with any type of question, “I am going to think about how to answer that best and get back to you.” (A great technique for buying yourself some time before answering any question!) This gives you an opportunity to think things through, and if you are still unsure, you can ask a trusted friend or relative, or your pediatrician. Remember: You are not expected to know all the answers, but you do want your children to know that they can ask you anything.

Dr. Dana Kornfeld serves on the board of Resilience Across Borders. Dr. Kornfeld is an Associate Clinical Professor of Pediatrics at The George Washington School of Medicine. She practices pediatrics, with a specialty in adolescent medicine, at the Pediatric Care Center in Bethesda, Maryland.

Book List for Families Dealing with Loss

  • Tear Soup: A Recipe for Healing after Loss by Pat Schweibert & Chuck Deklyen
  • When Dinosaurs Die: A Guide to Understanding Death by Laurie Krasny & Mark Brown
  • I Have a Question about Death: A Book for Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder or Other Special Needs by Arlen Grad Gaines & Meredith Englander Polsky
  • Stones For Grandpa by Renee Londner & Martha Aviles
  • Lifetimes: The Beautiful Way to Explain Death to Children by Bryan Mellonie & Robert Ingpen
  • Straight Talk about Death for Teenagers: How to Cope with Losing Someone You Love by Earl Grollman
  • The Fall of Freddie the Leaf: A Story of Life for All Ages by Leo Buscaglia
  • Something Very Sad Happened: A Toddler’s Guide to Understanding Death by Bonnie Zucker & Kim Fleming

Resilience Across Borders’ Latest Research Published in Peer-Reviewed Journal

by Resilience Across Borders Press Release

Resilience Builder Program® improved students’ resilience and academic engagement

Silver Spring, MD, March 21, 2022 – Resilience Across Borders, in collaboration with Catholic University’s Psychology Department and Alvord, Baker, & Associates, administered the Resilience Builder Program® (RBP) in five schools in the Washington, DC region serving students from economically marginalized communities. RBP is designed to teach children how to cope with disappointments and setbacks, from everyday frustrations to larger obstacles. Clinicians and graduate students delivered the intervention in 12 weekly small group lessons. To assess the effectiveness of the program in schools, 169 students were randomly assigned to receive the intervention immediately or following a one-semester delay. Students, teachers, and parents completed questionnaires at the beginning of the semester and following the intervention or semester delay.

Students who participated in the RBP reported improved self-efficacy and relations to others, both important domains of resilience. Their parents and teachers reported improved resilience. Students’ resilience was also related to academic functioning. Teachers reported that students who participated in the RBP showed significant improvements in study skills, academic engagement, interpersonal skills, and academic motivation. Students who participated in RBP also reported significant improvements in study skills and academic engagement. These findings are now published in the peer-reviewed journal “Evidence Based Practice in Child & Adolescent Mental Health.”

Based on the evidence that this program is effective in school settings, Resilience Across Borders is adapting the intervention so that teachers can administer the new Resilience Builder Program – Universal™ to their entire class. This new approach will reach many more students—about 300 this year alone.

Rich, B. A., Starin, N. S., Senior, C. J., Zarger, M. M., Cummings, C. M., Collado, A., & Alvord, M. K. (2022). Improved resilience and academics following a school-based resilience intervention: A randomized controlled trial. Evidence-Based Practice in Child and Adolescent Mental Health.

About Resilience Across Borders

Resilience Across Borders is dedicated to increasing access to mental health interventions for all children and adolescents. Our research-based method helps youth build resilience so they can adapt to life’s challenges now and throughout their lives. Connect with us on resilienceacrossborders.org, Facebook, or Twitter.